Hello! & Growing Pains

So... I'm making another graphic novel with Ollie! It's called Gay Persuasion and it's a queer modern retelling of Jane Austen's Persuasion.

I thought I'd start a blog to sort of document the process for anyone who's curious, and also scribble down my notes on craft... Firstly because it's easier than making reels or tiktoks, and secondly because I think I need to keep some sort of record for myself because I keep getting amnesia. Historically, I've never shown any of the in-progress stuff while it's actually in-progress because making graphic novels is an endless panicked screaming whirlwind sprint until it isn't, and it's done, and then I convince myself that it was a very civilized affair all along. But I'm delusional; graphic novels are very hard to make, and they wreak havoc on my life, and I am addicted to the chaos. 

Every time I sit down to make a new book I tell myself surely this one will be easier; I've done it so many times before; I know what I'm doing! And each book inevitably reveals a new fresh hell that makes me question whether I have ever actually drawn a comic in my life. I don't know if it will feel this way forever or if I'll get the hang of it around book seven or eight. 

People love to say that graphic novels are a marathon, not a sprint, but unfortunately for me I keep ending up sprinting the marathon. I loooovveee a tight deadline because I want to be prolific! I just wanna get these comics done so I can make the next cool thing. But it's just not possible to do that and feel good about yourself the whole time, so when I predictably fall behind on my unrealistic goals I feel like a failure, and that happens the whole way through the book, except for the coloring stage which only takes me a couple of weeks because that's all the time I ever have left at the end so it's always a horrific, soul-destroying crunch. But it does go fast. And that makes me feel good. 

Fair warning, gentle reader, I'm not sure I have a healthy relationship with this job. 

I do not go easy on myself. I want to be a machine. But my life has changed quite radically between Grand Slam 3 and Gay Persuasion, and for some reason I keep forgetting to take this into account when I'm beating myself up about how slow I feel right now. 

When I was doing Grand Slam, that was my full time job. But now I have a day job where I work from 7:30 - 4, and I'm a morning person, so by the time I get home from work I have almost no energy for comics. I also have other freelance work that demands my time. I'm also.... turning 30 this year... and I'm sleepy!!! I can't work late into the night like I could in my early twenties. But the best change is that I actually have friends in my city for the first time in years, and I quite like seeing them once or twice a week. I got a taste of having a social life and I don't want to give it up again. I did the Grand Slams in near total isolation and while that was great for getting lots of work done, it also made me Mentally Unwell.

Here is the truth: we're halfway through June, and this book is due in March, and I've been spiraling since I started because I (obviously!!!) can't keep up with the pace I had on Grand Slam. For a chronic overachiever, this is devastating. You guys I can't even describe how bad it feels hahahahaha. 

Nobody gets into comics for the money; personally, I make comics because it's sexy. But I haven't felt very sexy lately because I'm being so mean to myself!! But I'm hoping that by opening up here a little bit, I can release myself from the crushing shame of being a person and not a machine??? And start feeling sexy and fun again?? And remember that this is one of the main things that gives my life joy and meaning???

I love Gay Persuasion and I'm so excited about it. It's having growing pains; it was always bound to. I'm trying to stand in the middle of the screaming whirlwind and remember that Ollie and I fought so hard for this book to exist. It's a story about love and patience and endurance, and I don't want to forget to feel those things while making it. I also don't want to forget, in two years, how hard it was; I don't want to feel caught off guard like this on my next book. Maybe this will be helpful for someone else who's having a crisis about their own graphic novel.

My goal is to make a post here every week or two and give a little update on how it's going, how I'm feeling... just stop keeping stuff so close to the chest. And also hype it up a bit!! Cause it's gonna be really, really good. :)

Thanks for reading; you can have some pencils as a treat.

-Emma